Friday, November 4, 2011

Day 2 - Meaning of my Blog Name

Day 2 is "Meaning behind your blog name."  My blog name is right up there - and it is "Life as We Know It."  I actually thought about it for awhile before I picked that.  This blog isn't necessarily all about my kids. It isn't necessarily all about me and D.  It's about all of us and life in general.  And as I said in my little "about me" right over there - our little family is probably  not like anyone else's you know.
Not going to hide anything or try to candy coat anything here - Derek and I talked to each other for the first time one week to the day after I'd filed for divorce.  To say there wasn't an immediate connection between  us would be lying.  It was very, complicated, for a while.  My divorce wasn't even the least bit pleasant, amicable, normal, easy, sane, or anything else.   I had been pretty much nothing but a stay at home mom for years and years and  I had to go 21 days without seeing my children. I left my ex-home with nothing except the clothes on my back.  I started my life over at 33 with nothing.  N O T H I N G.  If you ever want to hear the entire story, I would LOVE to tell you. Eventually, I got back some trinkets,  my clothes, and an ancient Pathfinder with 300K miles. I had friends that are my family that took care of me.  My friend Chip will have a special place in Heaven for taking me in and being my "safe place."  The day I got my clothes back - ha. I just had a moment standing in the hallway opening the bags and boxes and realizing I had SOMETHING that was mine again. And the first time I got to have my kids over was a feeling I will never forget. But I had no job, no home, and a car that was about to break down.  I faced decisions back then I don't wish on my very worst enemy. (Ok, actually, there are a couple of folks I would LOVE to see have to face that stuff.... ok, sorry...) And at the time, I made decisions that were the best for my babies and for me and for us as a whole.  If I had it to do all over again - I would have done a few things differently from the very first minute that every thing happened.  And who knows - it might not have changed a thing.
My babies are troopers.  They weathered everything fairly well. I'm not naive enough to believe that there aren't scars - I know there are, I see them all the time.  They still deal with it and hurt. My littlest baby, Josh, just wants everyone in one place. They all love everyone that is in their lives now so much.  My ex husband has been with his fiance pretty much since the divorce and the same with me and Derek.  The kids have new people in their lives that adore them - their family has tripled, basically! And their father and I did NOT need to be married to each other anymore.  And so I make all of this work as best I can.  I try to make the times the kids are with me (right now, that is every other weekend and Tuesday afternoon/evenings) great. We try to find other times and ways to spend with them, too. Even though I am only with them roughly 112 hours a month I am still a full time mom. My kids are still my life. There are nights I just cry from missing them so much and wishing I could go look at their little sleeping faces. I would LOVE to have them more.  I just have to make the best of what we have and hope they know how much I love and adore them.
My life with Derek is almost a separate little life - we're all a big family when the kids are there and then when they aren't, it's just the two of us - and it is like I live two lives.  It's weird.  And it makes things hard sometimes because I really feel like I don't "fit in" anywhere.  But again, I love our life.  Do I wish our kids were with us more?? Of course.  But they aren't, and right now, I can't do a whole lot to change that.  But we will continue making the best of our life, enjoying every single minute of it, and will always be looking for new adventures.  We will always all love each other just as much as we can every single day. We will keep trying to make every day a happy day.  It isn't normal, it isn't always easy, but this is life as we know it. And I think we do it pretty well.

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